It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
