I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
