Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
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I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
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So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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