your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
