You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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