Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
