So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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