he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
