i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
