The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
