I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
