I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i believe in u and ur pee
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
