I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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