Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
