Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
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Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
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she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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