direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
