she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
