Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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