I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
