My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
