Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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