i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a fireplace last night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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