I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
