all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Come share oat with me in your robe
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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