She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
