My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize