i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
