if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
