Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
