You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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