took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
