oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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