ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
