I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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