Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
