i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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