can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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