Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
