I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
