He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
