Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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