How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
