He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
