i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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