Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
