we're chasing vodka with high fives
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
