Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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