Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
