I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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