if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
