I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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