Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
not ubering you a puppy
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
