Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
